


Tranquility is not Death

by orphan_account



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types
Genre: Additional Tags to Come, NotSoTranquil!Anders, Tranquil!Anders, both Bethany and Carver are alive because I'm damn weak
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-18
Updated: 2015-12-15
Packaged: 2018-04-26 23:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5025226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Templars finally got their revenge on Anders and made him Tranquil. Fenris, Merrill and Isabela try to help their healer with the help of the Grey Warden.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> First, English is not my native language so I'm trying not to make to many mistakes but I don't have a beta-reader and translating is bloody hard so if I do make mistake I'd be glad if you could help me to correct them :)
> 
> Also I'll be adding a few tags along the way, I'm not fixed yet, especially on the pairings in the story and I'd be very very happy to hear about your opinion/advices/expectations
> 
> I'll try to publish updates regularly but I still have school so sometimes I might have to take a break

“Don't you dare.” Fenris snapped, in front of him, on their knees, all aligned, captured elves weeping quietly, blades on their throats. “They are none of your business.” the elf hissed.  
“Surrender and follow us. No harm will be done to them.” growled their bloody leader. Fenris' eyes ended up on one of the little girls, barely five years old, crying, he cursed in Tevene under his breath. And dropped his weapon. Two men came toward him with shackles and tied him up, before slicing all the elves throats open. Fenris roar must have been heard in all Kirkwall, but the sound of the pommel knocking him out was almost unheard.

“Bastards! Assholes! I'll get you thrown to the sharks! Bloody monsters! I'll gut you!” yelled Isabela as they pushed her chained in the darkness of one of their tiny cages as her boat was sinking slowly with the rest of her slaughtered crew.

“Please! I'll behave, release him! He has a mother worrying for him! Please! He's not responsible!” cried out Merrill, the little dalish boy was shivering and struggling under their metallic hands.  
“Surrender, we'll release him.”  
“Yes! Yes! Please! Just don't hurt him!” she said showing her palms, the men tied her up and another broke the frail little neck as the blood mage yelled in agony.

 

Anders roams his empty room in the decaying tavern he's staying in for the night. He furiously crushes the letter and throw it on the wall before picking it up again, unfolding it and reading it again. They got caught, he didn't even spoke to them since he left Kirkwall and still they got caught. Because of him. In the back of his mind Justice is roaring, furious to know the Templars could use such methods to break him. A part of the spirit wants to rush to their rescue, the other one wants to keep the mage safe.  
There is still so much to do for the mages' freedom. They would just be collateral damage. But it wouldn't be just to let them at the mercy of the Templars. And they were friends. Precious ones on top of all. Ok maybe not Fenris. But still, he couldn't tolerate anyone being punished for what he had done. That wasn't Justice. But he couldn't just throw himself in the wolf's mouth and follow the Templars instructions, it smelled like trap. But he didn't know how to do otherwise. Hawke and Varric were at this 'Inquisition' thing. Aveline was probably dead busy with the City Guards and there was no way to convince Sebastian to help him. Maybe Sebastian was actually responsible for this, Sebastian always had a thing for Templars and ruthless vengeance.  
Maybe the wardens... No, it was not an option, he was a deserter, the wardens wouldn't help a deserter. They couldn't forgive them, even less after what he did at the Chantry, the warden-commander couldn't... 

You are my friend. Friends stick together.

Anders pushed the thought away as soon as it appeared. He could not. Killing Templars to get a phylactery was a thing, destroying a Chantry, the revered mothers, the lay sisters, some praying citizens and the grand Cleric was another thing. He had to do this alone. He packed up his things quickly, he had to try protect them. The only one that should pay for his crimes was himself and no one else.

 

He had no other choice, Justice and him turned the problem in every possible way the whole day, for so long he has turned around the camp restlessly, looking for an opening but couldn't find one. He didn't want to, but they couldn't find another way to try to save their friends than to obey the orders given. It sickened him, he knew it would end up badly but he had no other choice. He could see the Templars' prisoners, his friends. As promised they were alive, chained, they were probably left here the whole day, burning under the sun, but they were visible from far enough just to make sure Anders would see them. But there was no way for Anders to join them without being spotted, and too many Templars were surrounding them, some archers strategically waiting close to their prisoners, to make sure neither of his friends would survive if he tried to attack their camp.  
Anders swore, in the back of his mind Justice rumbled, he was worried, he didn't want the mage to risk his life any more. He wanted to protect him. Anders tried to soothe the spirit, telling him they would not fail but neither of them believed in it.

The apostate stood slowly, palms up, he had to. His knees seemed weaker and weaker at each step, slowly going numb just like his throat, dead scared, so many Templars, clearly hostile. He would probably die, or worse. But if he had the slightest chance to save his friends he would take it. He could not let them pay for what he had done. The Templars spotted him quickly, archers aiming at him as other knights surrounded him, swords pointed at him. Justice was begging him to runaway, to let him take control, but Anders resisted, for his friends sake he had to. Isabela seemed to try to yell something at him but she was gagged, all she could do was pulling helplessly on her chains, as she saw him.

“Don't step any further, apostate !” roared their leader as the mage stilled obediently. 

“I won't cause you any harm. I just want my friends to be freed.” he said, trying to hide the terror swelling inside his mind, he had to.

“Get rid of the staff then get on your knees, hands behind your head.” Anders nodded, slowly untying his staff from his back and dropping it on the floor, then kneeling silently as he was asked, trying to ignore Isabela's struggle, Fenris' wide and unbelieving eyes, Merrill's soft whimpers curled up on herself. Templars walked over him, a sword slid under his neck, the sharp edge cut slightly his soft flesh. His arms were violently jerked behind his back as shackles were clasped on his wrists.  
The Templars hauled him back on his feet and pushed him toward his bounded friends and pushed him on his knees in front of them.

“Free them. I obeyed.” muttered Anders. Isabela stopped fighting, crying silently, Fenris looked horrified and Merrill didn't even looked at him.

“Did you know neither of them thought you would come ? They thought you'd just leave them to die. But here you are. Such a good friend you are. You were also a good friend to Karl. You remember him of course.” purred the Templar leader. An awfully familiar voice. Probably a Templar he knew from Kinlock Hold. But there was so many of them. How could he remember all of them. “I remember you from the Circle, mostly from your isolation tho. You were a good friend to Templars too.” Anders felt a dull pain in his chest, bad memories flooding back in his head.

He knew every irregularities of the walls for scratching them until his nails bleed, his blood mixing with the permanent flood of dirty water dripping on the floor, sometimes the rattle of a rat running in the dark or the deafening dissonance of his own screams. And nothing but black, the obscurity that sometimes showed him things. Memories ? Demons ? His own Insanity as he slowly drifted out of his mind, begging for help, begging for mercy, begging for tranquillity. But he got none of them. Only more pain, sometimes a Templar walking into his cell, playing with him like a rag doll, trying to push him over the cliff, so they could legitimately kill him. The snap of his bones under a metallic foot, the pain in his flesh as a gauntleted hand crushed his skin, the odious and cruel feeling of worthlessness sneaking inside his blood as they spat him.

But nothing worked, he held out against them, they couldn't break his mind. Not with those methods, not with those memories. He had to held again, he had to. Justice was roaring at the back of his mind but the shackles seemed to prevent him from taking over.

“You're not going to beg again, Anders ? I remember you begging to be killed, or made tranquil, do you still want it ? I wonder.” the Templar purred, Anders could feel his jaw trembling, a deep feeling of horror climbing inside his guts and crushing his throat. Isabela whined and Fenris growled at the Templar furiously. But Anders tried to remain as still as he could, he had to. He had to.

But the whine that escaped from his throat as he saw the tranquillity stick betrayed him. Fenris pulled on his leach again, like a wild dog, but for once the mage were not the one he was angry at.

“You want your friends freed ? Beg me.” ordered the Knight waving the stick in front of his eyes. Fenris tried to yell at him, only managing to let some muffled growls slip from his gag. Isabela shook her hand painfully, begging him silently not to do it, and Merrill was curled up in an even smaller ball, sobbing helplessly. Anders managed to breath enough air to speak out.

“No...Please...” he could barely hear himself. And it was not good enough for the Templar.

“Maybe I should kill one of them randomly, that should make you speak up.”

“No ! Please ! No ! Don't hurt them ! I'll do everything you want ! Everything !”

“Say how much you're craving for it then.” hissed the Knight, pulling his hair. “And then we'll free them.” Anders couldn't help but sob, then bent in front of the Templar, tears escaping from his burning eyes as he painfully whispered the words.

“Please...I beg you... make me...Make me Tranquil...”

“Say how much you want it.”

“I want to be made Tranquil... I-...I've never wanted anything else in my life....Please...” he said as his voice broke, he wanted to throw up, he wanted to die, please someone kill him, the Maker if he existed please end his life now, even by setting him on fire if needed, shooting a lightening at him, but please not this. He didn't stop begging the Templar, clearly satisfied, waiting for him to end the game and end his life. He had to. He had to. He had to. 

Someone pulled his hair up, his eyes found immediately the Lyrium brand, burning bright in front of his teary eyes. He could hear Fenris' wrath, Isabela's whimpers, and Merrill's obvious and noisy sobs but he couldn't see them with his blurry vision, he could just see the light. 

 

Bright bright light.

 

Fear first.

 

Excruciating Pain Then.

 

And at last nothing.

 

Just nothing.


	2. Of Mages and Dragons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Introduction to scarleen Surana, the warden-Commander in this story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you'll like this chapter, I'll probably keep the updates short for a little while. In that way I'll be able to post updates faster, if you think I should make them longer tell me, please :)

Fenris couldn't care less about the arrows aimed at him, nor could he care about the tight burn of the rope on his neck, all that mattered was the rough wrath burning in the pit of his stomach. Isabela hissing behind him, pressed against Merrill, still horrified by the inhuman screech escaping from Anders' throat as they branded him. He didn't expected Anders to come, not for him not for the blood mage, maybe for the pirate but he may have saved her only if he gave little care about the two elves.

 

But coming all the way up here. Surrendering without a single protest. Allowing them to brand him. His greatest fear. He could remember all the times Anders talked about Tranquillity as a fate worse than death. He couldn't believe it. The Templar stepped away, Anders' face was still petrified in a horribly pained expression, mouth wide opened, muscles tensed, eyes wide and unseeing, tears and saliva dripping down his chin, blood slowly escaping from his new scar burnt on his forehead.

 

Then it all slowly faded, eyes turned only glassy, his mouth closed itself in a neutral expression as his shoulders slopped down. He wasn't Anders, Fenris couldn't recognise him. His face was just not the same, his eyes were not as shiny as they used to, his permanent annoying expression leaving room for a blank stare.

 

 

The Templar patted roughly the mage's head with an idiotic laughter.

 

“Well behaved now, are we ?” he mocked pushing the pliant mage to the ground and throwing his foot in his ribs. Never Fenris would have thought he would want to kill a Templar beating up a mage, but right now he was craving to phase through those lousy shackles and kill that stupid Knight throwing his armoured food in his friend's ribs. Anders didn't even cried out, patiently getting beaten up before the Templar pulled him by his hair. His lips was cut open and bleeding abundantly but his expression was still blank and unchanging.

 

“I almost miss you begging, trash. I wonder if Tranquils can beg. How about we kill your dear friends? You would beg me then ?” The archers around the prisoners started to aim at them, Fenris growled angrily and Isabela hissed menacingly.

 

“This is unnecessary. You promised to free them if I obeyed and I did.” Anders' voice was still horse from all the screaming, but his tone was as flat as it could be.

 

“Look how little I care about your argument. Kill the elf first !” the Templar roared furiously. Archers turned their arrows toward Fenris. The warrior rumbled furiously, pulling on his chains again. The Templar leader was holding his palm up, waiting before giving the signal. Fenris looked at him in the eyes, this vicious Templars whose thirst for power was equal to magisters' as his hand fell down and the arrows flew toward him.

 

 

He waited for a sharp pain to rip his muscles. All he felt was a violent gust, slamming him on the ground, and a deafening roar. The Archers screamed and shot arrows in the air. Everything else remained a blurry inside his head, knocked out by the violent burst, Fenris looked up and all he saw was a dark shadow diving toward them, ignoring the arrows which couldn't perforate its rough skin. Everything became an unnameable mess, purplish scales dancing around, along with a cold, biting squall. Isabela had thrown herself onto Merrill, trying to shield the little elf from the furious dragon ripping Templars' heads off like they were merely toys and freezing the other ones to death. Isabela was looking at him worriedly, the brutal storm seemed to calm down, leaving the beast standing up in front of the Templar leader, uselessly waving his sword toward the reptile.

 

The Templar leader waved his pitiful sword at the huge beast but the monster looked at him, then at Anders, still obediently on his knees, then its wide month snapped on the Knight's neck and the headless body fell lump. Nor Isabela or Fenris dared to move, the only sound now being Merrill's helpless cries. The dragon released his jaw, letting the head fall on the ground.

 

Then the dark scales turned gold and melted in front of their eyes until nothing was left of the dragon but a dark-skinned elf in purple robes turning his back at them. Fenris growled menacingly, his instinct roared him to throw himself between the stranger and Anders but the memories of Anders screaming as the Templars branded flashed in front of his eyes, killing his rebellion.

 

The stranger knelt in front of Anders and carefully tucked his messed hair behind the healer's ear, once again the mark was visible, Fenris barely heard the gasp escaping the newcomer's lips as he stroke painfully Anders' cheek. The elf got rid of the shackles around the Tranquil's wrists, taking care not to wound him any further.

 

“Anders... I'm so sorry.” said the stranger, pain was breaking his voice, Fenris felt confused, was that man the same that mindlessly slaughtered so many Templars in a blink of an eye ? Anders moved weakly, Fenris could see his lips move but nothing came out of his mouth.

 

“Hush, I'll take care of your wounds, stay calm.” whispered the elf softly as his hands lit themselves with a silver halo. The mage seemed to protest, raising his arm, pointing his finger toward his chained companions.

 

“I know, Anders, but your wounds are my priority. I will free them once I'm done with you,” the elf said flatly, still healing the mage. The explanation seemed to content Anders who let the stranger heal him without a single protest, Isabela seemed calmer too, leaving some air to Merrill, shyly raising her head. The elf rubbed his thumb on the mark on anders' forehead and made it disappear with an audible crackling.

 

“There, you will not have a scar. It's better that way.” he said getting up slowly, Anders was looking at him insistently, pointing at his friends again. The elf nodded and sent a few sparks of magic and their shackles undid themselves and fell on the floor. Fenris got up on his feet, marking lightening, in a second and lunged on the stranger.

 

“Fenris! Wait! I know him!” yelled Isabela, but Fenris had to take advantage of the mage while he was tired. He threw himself toward him, only to meet a magic barrier with his skull, tossing him back to the ground.

 

“Fenris! This dude is the hero of Ferelden! Scarleen Surana! He's not an enemy!” explained quickly the Rivaini pulling Fenris back on his feet.

 

“I only came here to get my Mage-Capitain back, I'm just sorry I couldn't make it sooner.” added the Warden looking back at Anders, the healer was still on his knees, patiently watching the Commander, maybe he was waiting for an order, seeing that way was heart breaking, Anders was not that.

 

“If the Wardens gets him back they will judge him for desertion, I will not let that happen!” hissed Fenris furiously, getting himself out of Isabela's embrace.

 

“Is Anders the one who told you that? Anders is not a deserter, he's listed as missing in action.”

 

“What?” strangled the Tevinter confused.

 

“Anders has been listed as missing in action after an altercation with Renegade Wardens and Templars” kept going Surana. “Under these circumstances he was not listed as a deserter and will not be judge for it.”

 

“You swear you will not hurt him?” quavered Merrill, glued to the pirate's arm.

 

“I swear.” he replied simply.

 

“What are you going to do with him? I doubt the Wardens have any interest keeping Tranquils in their ranks.” argued Fenris still suspicious.

 

“I will not give up on Anders.” the Warden growled menacingly. “Only know that I will never again let any Warden or Templar cause him trouble.” the answer seemed to appease the Tevinter as his marking faded, not letting his guard down anyway.

 

“Our camp is about an hour of flight away from here. You are free to come along if you wish to, actually I'd pretty much like the lot of you to follow us. I'd really be grateful.” his tone did not let much room for interpretation. It was an order. And Fenris did not wish to leave Anders alone now, he would follow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, I'm actually translating the third chapter and I started writing the fourth one, I'll try to post one during the week. Hope you'll like them.  
> Please post your reviews/comments to help me improve and also if I made any english mistake feel free to correct me :)


	3. The Pirate's Despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Isabela is in denial and so is Justice...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm taking some liberties with the canon with Justice but no fanfiction would exist if no one took liberties with the canon, right ?  
> If I made any English mistake please tell me :)

The Warden camp was nearly invisible from the sky, hidden under the trees, fabric huts easily blending in the décor, horses hidden a little behind one of them. The purple dragon managed to land in the middle of the branches, but Isabela had to hold Anders tight to make sure he wouldn't be thrown off the beast's neck. The mage was limp under her arms, of course Anders never was a huge bunch of muscles, but now it felt like nothing but a sack of bones. She could feel no resistance in this body, like his whole essence had ran away from him.

 

The pirate helped him to get down safely, a few wardens got out of the tents peacefully, nor them, nor their horses seemed surprised the slightest about the dragon melting back into an elf. A tattooed dwarf lady jumped happily at Anders and shoved her nose in his robes.

 

“Anders! You're alive! That's so wonderful! You got us so scared!” she chirped cheerfully rubbing her nose against the belly of the inert mage.

 

“Oy! Sparklefinger! What's with the long face?” growled a redhaired dwarf snapping his fingers in front of the mage's face. A dark-haired human was staying behind, his face showed a clear pain, Isabela knew he understood what happened to Anders.

 

“Sigrun, Oghren, Anders is tired, I'll bring him in my tent, I'll go back to you later.” said Surana, his successive transformations turning into a dragon were probably very tiresome. The two dwarves looked at the commander, confused but they obeyed and let Anders go without a question, following the third guy back in their tent.

 

Scarleen guided them inside on of the tents, Isabela never saw one like that, maybe the inability to plant stakes in the Deep Roads probably pushed them to reinvent tents. The Warden Commander brought Anders to one of the cots and the healer sat without a question, then the elf turned to face them.

 

“I'd like you to stay with him, we are leaving at dawn. I'll find you something to eat, you must be starving.” he said leaving the tent, keeping his head low, no doubt he had troubles coping with the situation or even hiding it. Now the group was alone, and no one moved or talked before Isabela came to sit beside Anders. The mage was still standing straight, totally expressionless. She bumped his shoulder with hers cheerfully.

 

“You can stop pretending now. He's gone.” she chirped with a burning smile.

 

“I don't understand what you mean.” he answered flatly, not even looking at her.

 

“Don't 'you' me ! C'mon kitten, I know you better than that ! It's one of your tricks, right ? You can't give up so easily !” she insisted, closing her hands tight on his collar to force him to look at her, straddling his thighs.

 

“Isabela...” Merrill tried to call her but she didn't even cared about what the elf had to say right now.

 

“Hush you ! I need him to talk to me ! Now !”

 

“I'm afraid you are mistaken.” Anders said calmly. “I do am Tranquil now. But this shouldn't distress you.”

 

“No ! You're lying ! The Anders I know wouldn't be so cold about that ! Tranquillity was his greatest fear ! He wouldn't let that happen ! Not even for a whore like me !” she roared furiously, desesperatly trying to find even a single spark in the mage's cold dead eyes.

 

“Yes, I did felt that way, but now I don't understand why. I feel no fear any more. And I don't feel distressed about my current status.” he added in an inhumanly flat tone. “Actually, I don't feel anything at all.”

 

Both rage and a dull pain flooded Isabela's chest and eyes as she crushed her mouth on the mage's lips. She could barely hear Fenris yelling at her, her ear deafened by her burning fury as she shoved her tongue between the pliant lips. Giving everything she had to make him react, anything to awaken even the slightest spark of magic within this body of his. She kept the assault as long as she could, she kept the kiss growing at an increasing pace, more and more until she couldn't find anything else to do. Then she let him go, planting her pained eyes in his, her heart crushing when she read nothing more but servitude.

 

“Do you want me to serve you ?” Anders asked.

 

“What ?” She strangled, jumping away from him, the mage holding his palms up.

 

“They are many things I can't do any more, but I still have memories. Is this what you want from me ?” Isabela's throat constricted tightly and she burst into tears, falling on her knees, unable to restrain her pitiful sobs from escaping her chest. “I'm sorry, I never meant to cause you so much pain. Are you worried about Ser Hawke's approval ?” he asked again.

 

“I couldn't... I couldn't care less about Hawke's approval...” she whined, barely succeeding to calm her helpless hiccups. “I'm caring about you... And you... These Templars...I can't...”

 

“Isabela.” The pirate felt a hand on her shoulder, squeezing tightly. She recognised that voice, when did this fucking Warden Commander slipped in ? When Merrill called her out ? “I know what you are trying to do, and I thank you for it. But this will not work.” he said, his voice was slightly high-pitched and shivering, he cried and his swollen eyes confirmed it.

 

“Why ?... I'm just a pirate whore...I never did anything for him...Why did he...” she couldn't talk any more, her voice cut by her sobs, she felt Fenris kneeling at her side and pulling her in his arms. Awkwardly trying to give her support and find some for himself.

 

“You are his friends.” Scarleen said simply. “He never let his friends down.” and Isabela broke in Fenris' arms.

 

* * *

 

The food was tasteless, it was probably not actually but everything tasted like ashes. The pleasant rumble of the leaves was nothing but inconvenience, the blankets brought no comfort despite their welcoming warmth, the pretty stars were nothing but useless lights and even fresh water tasted like piss.

 

Isabela sat up on her bedroll by Anders' cot. He was only wearing his shapeless grey tunic and his pants. The so-called Nathaniel was the one to help him out of his coat and boots, then Sigrun fed him sadly, the red-haired dwarf never came to visit Anders, but they could hear him screaming and cutting wood furiously all the evening before the night fall. the Warden Commanders then came and told him to get some rest and the mage fell asleep the next second like an obedient puppet.

 

And it infuriated Isabela, Anders was not an obedient puppet, he wouldn't even obey an order he agreed with without complaining. She bit her nail furiously, trying to appease her roaming mind. Both Merrill and Fenris were turning their backs at her and Anders, but she knew they were very much awake. The Wardens decided to sleep in the other tent, leaving them alone for the night. She looked at Anders, laying on his back, sleeping peacefully, his breath steady, heart beating but mind broken. She snarled softly. If they weren't already dead she would have killed those Templars again.

 

“Can't sleep ?” asked a deep voice in the dark.

 

“What do you think ? That I can rest knowing Anders sacrificed his mind for us ? You heard him, Tranquillity is worse than death. He never wished to live like that.”

 

“Do you think we should end him ?” the elf asked as he slowly sat up on his bedroll, Isabela looked at him in astonishment. The calm eyes shining slightly.

 

“What ?”

 

“You said it yourself. He never wished to live this way. Shall we grant him his wish ?” he explained. He looked incredibly calm, determined, but Isabela could see his knuckles turning white and his jaw tensing as she delayed her answer. He did not want to come to this. Neither did she, but they could do little else for their friend.

 

“You're right. Just let me awaken him and talk to him a little. Then you can give him a quick dea-... release.” she corrected herself as she tenderly pushed Anders' locks out of his face, waking him up slowly.

 

“Do you require my assistance ?” he asked out loud before Isabela shushed him.

 

“Stay calm, kitten. I just need you to know that we really, really love you, alright ?” she whispered as she pressed her lips on his forehead.

 

“I don't understand.”

 

“Hush, sweet thing. Trust us.” she said as her voice shivered. Anders' eyes left her to look at Fenris, the elf glowing slightly as he sat on the cot by his side, putting his hand flat on his chest.

 

“I'm sorry, mage. I'll make it quick.” the markings glowed brightly and the lyrium infused finger dived under the warm skin. Then Anders' whole body cracked blue with a terrifying howl and both Isabela and Fenris were tossed away from Anders with a deafening slam.

 

Isabela got on her feet as fast as she could, her head was spinning, her ears hissing in pain, her heart racing in fear and confusion. Merrill was also up, dagger held tight in her tiny hand, ready to call on her blood magic to defend herself and Fenris shining and snarling by her side. Just like Anders, roaming and howling like a wounded wolf.

 

“What's happening here ? Anders !” the four Wardens rushed inside the tent, weapons ready.

 

“ **YOU WILL NOT HAVE HIM ! HE IS UNDER MY PROTECTION !** ” roared the Fade-tainted voice.

 

“Justice ? You're still in there ?” asked the Warden Commander ordering his soldiers to stand down.

 

“ **COMMANDER ! ANDERS NEEDS YOUR HELP ! I CAN'T REACH HIM ! HE MUST BE IN NEED OF HEALING ! I CAN'T HEAR HIM ANYMORE !** ” kept blabbering the blue cracked spirit.

 

“Justice, Anders is Tranquil now. There is nothing I can do for now.” said the elf calmly, Isabela, Fenris and Merrill had fled behind the Wardens. Justice seemed distraught by the Warden explanation.

 

“ **NO ! THIS CAN'T BE ! WE JUST PASSED OUT ! HE MUST BE WOUNDED ! THAT MUST BE THE REASON WHY HE IS SILENT ! THAT CAN'T BE ! I SWORE I WOULDN'T LET HIM BE MADE TRANQUIL ! HE CAN'T BE ! WHY CAN'T I REACH HIM !** ” The spirit yelled pacing furiously in the tent.

 

“Justice, what’s the last thing you remember ? Do you remember the Templars ?” asked Merrill with her scared little voice, grabbing the pirate's arm like a child.

 

“ **YES ! I REMEMBER THE TEMPLARS ! I REMEMBER THE THREE OF YOU ! ANDERS INSISTED WE HAD HAD TO SAVE YOU DESPITE THE RISKS ! I REMEMBER THE SHACKLES ! I REMEMBER HIS FEAR ! I REMEMBER-...I remember...** ” the voice died out, Justice stopped walking around, his hands came to cover his face.

 

“Justice ?” asked Scarleen. “Justice ?”

 

 **“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! NO ! NO ! THAT CAN'T BE !”** screamed Justice, failing on his knees, hands buried in Anders' hair. “ **NO ! IT CAN'T BE ! THAT SHOULDN'T BE ! I SWORE... I SWORE TO PROTECT HIM ! THIS CAN'T HAPPEN TO HIM ! ANSWER ! ANSWER ! ANSWER TO ME, ANDERS !** ” kept yelling Justice at the top of his lungs, a maddening pain radiating from the Spirit's body as his voice failed, leaving the glowing body sobbing helplessly on his knees. The Warden Commander stepped closer carefully, kneeling at the mage's side.

 

“Justice ?”

 

“ **Please...Anders...no...they can't...please...I beg you...please...Anders...Anders...** ” Justice kept reciting his name like a lithany, tears running out of his eyes, he probably didn't even realised it. Scarleen slipped his arm around his waist and pulled him in an embrace, petting his hair softly.

 

“Breath Justice. I will find a way, I promise. You need to calm down. Breath. Slowly.” Justice hid his faceagainst the tiny elf's chest, crying softly. Isabela left her shelter behind Nathaniel to join the two of them in the embrace, circling both Scarleen and Anders, waiting for Justice to calm down. The others joined them quickly, keeping the confused spirit warm. Justice managed to calm his breathing and struggled to extract himself from the embrace.

 

“ **I'm sorry... I-...** ” Justice didn't finished the sentence, looking down silently.

 

“It's alright Justice. It's normal to feel that way.” said the Commander.

 

“ **No it's not. Emotions are something only mortals can experience. I felt some through Anders but if he is-** ” his throat burnt badly and Isabela pulled him in her arms.

 

“Hush, sweet thing. We will find a way. We won't let our healer down. Not you either.” she whispered softly, holding the strangely warm body against hers. They all stayed together, silent, trying to process the latest events. The blue glow faded slowly then disappeared, leaving a sleeping Tranquil behind.

 

“We should get some rest before dawn. We have much to do.” said the Warden Commander, breaking the silence. And they all agreed. Oghren and Fenris helped Anders in bed and they all found their ways back on their bedrolls. But none of them found sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Currently translating the fourth chapter, please leave some reviews to help me improve my writing


	4. Memories of the Warden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group left at dawn to reach for a Warden base so they could take a ship to Amaranthine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I hope you will like this chapter, I'm sorry it took so long I had to re-write it at least three times before I was satisfied so I hope everything will be alright.  
> If I made any mistake feel free to tell me, I still don't have a beta-reader so I probably make a huge ton of mistakes but I really want to improve my English :)

Merrill was looking at the Waking Sea in front of them, stretching to the horizon, its surface spangled by the sun's reflection on the water. They had spent the main part of the day on horse and finally made it to the Warden harbour and left their horses to the Warden outpost. The Warden Commander told them they could leave with the next Warden patrol for Kirkwall if they wanted to. But none of them could leave while the Wardens were taking anders away for the Vigil's Keep so they were now waiting together for their boat on the dock. Anders and Scarleen were standing away from the group, chatting quietly,  
Anders has been silent since the morning. And Justice did not come back in the morning, since he faded in the night. 

Merrill still didn't understood exactly how Justice got out. Was it the danger ? Fenris' lyrium ? She didn't know, what she knew was that Anders cried in his sleep, but as soon as his eyes opened he was back with his emotionless mask. When asked if he remembered waking up during the night he simply answered 'no'. And he didn't seem even conscious of Justice's presence.

Oghren laughed loudly, sending his elbow playfully in Fenris' ribs as he kept telling one joke after another. It would be an understatement to say Fenris did not enjoyed it, the dwarf being the main source of noise in the group, clearly trying to get at least a smirk from the reluctant elf. And when it was not Oghren it was Isabela, teasingly toying with Nathaniel whom seemed to be wading trying to ignore her innuendos and behaving like a gentleman. Meanwhile Merrill was sitting beside Sigrun and babbling gently with the tattooed dwarf. 

 

“Yes, I can freeze this bush but why would I ?” asked Merrill confused.

“It's an evil bush ! Freeze it !” Sigrun said excitingly.

“But bushes aren't evil ! Maybe I could try talking some sense to it instead ?”

“Is that a mage thing ? Is there some sort of mage law against freezing bushes ?” protested the dwarf offended to be given refusal.

“Sigrun, stop trying to freeze bushes every time you meet a mage !” called out Nathaniel, happy to have an excuse to ignore the pirate's endless tease.

“Why ? I want to see what a frozen bush is like ! I asked countless mages and none of them would freeze a bush for me !”

“Magey and their tricks, I'll become a mage the day they learn how to piss ale !” roared Oghren, earning a disgusted gag from Fenris.  
Merrill pressed herself against her companion's shoulder while her companions kept chirping joyfully around her. 

 

She looked away to stare at Anders and the Warden Commander, the dark elf looked gloomy, heavy eyes, expressionless face, he almost looked like the Tranquil one. She didn't want to think about Tranquillity after what happened yesterday. She was somewhat thankful Anders was silent, the flat Tranquil tone made her sick. She still really loved Anders, he was still her friend but this emptiness in his voice was filling her with dread. Maybe he understood that, which was the reason why he has been speaking so little since they last spoke.

Suddenly the idea of Circles filled with Tranquil mages hit her like evidence. Mages seeing people they may have one day called their friends turned into mindless Templar puppets must have been insanely harsh. She understood why it angered Anders so much, all this 'they try to break our minds everyday' motto of his seemed evident now.

She remembered that time they tried to save Karl only to find him branded. Anders so distressed Justice's wrath took over his mind. She tried to imagine herself instead of Anders, maybe with Tamlen instead of Karl. Her heart ached badly, a lump grown in her throat and her eyes started to burn. 

She never really cared about Tranquillity, or the Mage Plight Anders has been telling her about for so long. She kept thinking it couldn't be that bad, not realising how sheltered she was. Protected by the Dalish first, then by Hawke, ignoring Anders' call to warn her, to ask for her help. She didn't listened, thinking she knew better than him. Not thinking about how horrible it must have been to be told every day that your gift is a sin to the eyes of the human God, how awful it must have been to bear this for so long you start to believe it. 

Did Anders believed it ? At some point ? Did he still do ? She couldn't stop thinking, her brain burning under the onslaught of this creeping feelings crawling badly under her skin.

 

“Hey, it's alright ! You don't have to freeze bushes if you don't want to. I'm not going to force your hand.” the dwarf whispered gently, interrupting the dreadful thoughts of the Dalish elf. Merrill managed to smile slightly and nod. Anders and the Warden Commander made their way back to the group silently. The elf looked even more gloomy than before.

“Why are we even going in Ferelden ?” Fenris growled from the crate he was sitting on. “If it's about Anders protection Hawke surely can do a thing.”

“We have to go to Vigil's Keep. There's a couple of things I'm in need of to take care of Anders. If you wish to leave you still can, the Wardens already accepted to escort you back to Kirkwall if you wish to.”

“I will be no use for the Wardens as I am right now, I can't fight darkspawns any more. Do you wish me to make poultices and potions for the Grey Wardens ? I can still do those.” Anders asked in his flat tone. No one else was talking any more, listening quietly to the Tranquil mage.

“No. We will leave the Keep later, bring you to see a friend of mine in Rivain.”

“This is not worth it Commander. I am perfectly content at the moment.” the healer argued.

“No you are not, Anders.” simply replied the Warden. No one broke the silence, nor Anders nor any one else in the crew. Merrill knew for sure she did not want to go back to Kirkwall for now. Scarleen seemed pained and quickly took his leave without a word.

 

“Is the warden-commander always like this ?” whispered Merrill in the ear of her dwarven friend once the Commander was out of ear shot. Sigrun shook her head.

“No, he's not like this at all, usually he's funnier, makes a lot of bad puns, he cares a lot. Too much actually. He's very moved because of Anders. He knew him from the Circle, but after Anders' runaway from the Wardens, Kirkwall incidents and his Tran-...his current condition.” the dwarf corrected. 

“He's not trying to be a dick or anything, but right now he's a mess. I think he's a little mad at the three of you because you couldn't protect him and he feels guilty for it. He cried all night, I never saw him cry before. I'm really worried about him. He's always trying to help everyone. He can't but he's trying. Don't judge him too quickly, alright ? He's a good person, and a good mage even if he doesn't want to freeze bushes. A good friend too. I would be dead or worse without him.” explained the Legionnaire with a sheepish smile Merrill nodded. The Commander was an elf he couldn't be a bad person, right ? Even if he was not Dalish, he still was Anders' friend, even Isabela knew him.

“Hawke is like that. She always tries to help everybody. Mages, Elves, random people in the market. I can understand how he feels. She probably felt the same way after the Chantry...” said Merrill staring at the dark elf, sitting away from the group, staring at the horizon, his shoulders and head were low, like the empty presence of the Tranquil mage by his side became a too heavy burden.

 

Isabela was chatting anew, probably trying to change everybody's minds at Nathaniel's great despair. Oghren was starting his awful jokes again. And Fenris was growling at the stinky dwarf randomly.

“Is there anything I can do to cheer him up ?” the Dalish asked quietly, looking at the sea sadly.

“I'm afraid not. Unless you have a solution for Tranquillity, or maybe just try to change his mind or something beside that there isn't much you can do.” explain the legionnaire with a shrug. Merrill sighed and got up swiftly, Sigrun smiled as the elf made her way toward Scarleen.

 

“Do you need anything ?” Surana asked without lifting his head.

“Uh...I...” stuttered the Dalish confused, she certainly had not planned it so far. Or at least not planned the Commander to be so blunt. Scarleen sighed and got up to face Merrill.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you. I am... not myself lately.” the elf apologised with a quick bow.

“Oh...It's-it's alright, really. I just came to chat a little. You look so grim. I mean, no, you're not grim but-... I mean... I thought I could... I don't know. Do a thing ?” Merrill blabbered confusingly. Scarleen smiled slightly, it was barely noticeable but it filled Merrill with hope.

“Thank you for trying at least. When he was at the Keep Anders kept saying I was not relying on my friends enough. Do what I say not what I do, right ? In the end he's the one who should have relied on his friends.” whispered the Warden, fiddling with his fingers nervously, trying very hard not to give a side look to Anders standing obediently with the rest of the group where he left him.

“What was he like ? In the Circle ? With the Wardens ?” asked Merrill taking a seat on the nearest crate by Scarleen's side. The elf turned to watch the sea a few seconds, searching for his words, before reporting his attention back to the Dalish.

“In the Circle... He was always so noisy, and obnoxious. If there was a prank in the Circle it was Anders, Templars' stuff went missing, Anders. Ancient unique books covered with Anti-Templar propaganda, Anders. All the books In the library turned upside-down, Anders. Someone's underpants being pinned on an Andraste statue, Anders. At first I found him annoying. He was disturbing everybody, going under everyone's skins. Mostly Templars mind you, but also the First Enchanter's. Irving was my mentor so I was not really nice to Anders at first.” started Scarleen, his voice seemed lighter but still plagued by regret but his eyes started to shine slightly.

“Then I started to miss the Sun. The Wind. The smell of Rain. My Harrowing was coming and I had never tried to catch a bird, or eaten a fresh fruit, or dreamt about my future. I slowly started to realise that my future was not mine. If I was not good enough it would be taken from me. And even if I was good enough I would never be able to make my own choices. I started to understand. The rebellion. The need to get out. Things I never understood before, things Anders always knew. I started to envy him.” Scarleen made a pause, staring at his feet for a while before he kept going.

“Then I left, with the Wardens. Barely a day after my Harrowing. The whole time I have been thinking about my life in the Circle and the mages still trapped here. With no future beside the one given to them by the Templars.”

“Then I met him again after the Blight. He seemed to be the same, witty, noisy, cunning mage. But it sounded different than the time I was still Irving's student. His wit was a way to protect himself, his noise became warm and welcoming, and his cunning filled me with admiration. Because no one I knew in the Circle was brave enough to behave that way but Anders. I thought he was happy in the Wardens, he was always cheerful even when the worst was happening, satisfied with this substitute of freedom. I thought that this life would content him. At least for a while. We started to call each others friends. I would have set him free if he asked me to. I would have given him a letter from the Wardens so he could pretend he was travelling for research purpose to protect him from the Templars. I knew he couldn't be held on a leash. But I never expected him to go that way. “ the Warden's voice was heavy again but his face was still filled with hope.

"What happened ?" Merrill asked when the elf stopped talking.

“Garevel recruited some 'ex-Templars' when I was in Antiva. Turns out they were actual Templars trying to get their revenge on Anders, Garavel probably thought Templar abilities would be useful to the Wardens, but instead they drove Anders crazy, harassing him like they did back then in the Circle, him and any other mage in the Wardens, then he ran away after they tried to ambush him and slaughtered all of them and a few rogue anti-mage Wardens.” Scarleen stopped talking for a moment, Merrill waited patiently, the Warden-commander's face was still cold but she could feel the burning wrath raging inside his chest. He was probably blaming himself for what happened. She started to think about Tamlen. She could understand how he felt. If he needed time she would let him.

“Anyway. Anders never was very good at this whole 'fugitive from Justice' thing.” Scarleen whispered to himself. Merrill seemed confused but didn't asked for a clarification since a buff sailor walked toward them and barked something about the ship leaving soon in a terrible accent. Scarleen nodded and got up quickly, his gloomy face back in place. “I'm afraid we will have to postpone this discussion. We should board before they leave without us.” Then commander left to warn the rest of their team. 

Merrill sighed heavily, at least the elf seemed to have an idea about Anders' condition. The healer helped her every time she needed it and now it was her turn to pay him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter, I'll try to make the next one arrive more quickly. I'll try to work a little more on Scarleen's character developpement :/  
> Feel free to leave me comments/reviews/suggestions so I could improve my writing, see you soon :)


	5. Across the Waking Sea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crew is on its way for Amaranthine and there is a few things the Commander needs to tell them about the Keep's situation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First, I'm sorry it took me so long for this chapter, I had a few very stressful weeks it was quite hard to focus on writing and I had to rewrite it several times and I hope it will not happen again.  
> Bside that I hope you will enjoy this chapter, feel free to give me your opinion in the comments :)

Nathaniel gagged silently, at least he hasn't been bend over coughing what was left of his bile in the sea like  Oghren  or the angry white-haired elf were. He hated boats and always did, he already managed to avoid the sea the first time by coming to the Free Marches via the Deep Roads with a group of Wardens to study this  Thaig  they had found. But now they couldn't afford trekking for at least a two week with a Tranquil Mage and his three weird companions.

Now they were trying to eat some sort of stew which ingredients seemed obscure to the archer. Regardless he was only  midly  inconvenienced by the ride. They still had a day trip before they could reach Amaranthine and the first two left both  Fenris  and the dwarf weaker than kittens, forced to feed themselves even if none of them could keep it down their throats for too long.

Scarleen  was eating silently, Anders obediently sitting by his side. Nathaniel knew what was annoying the elf and knew how nervous he was when he stopped eating and got up.

"I have something to tell you about Amaranthine." Said the Warden Commander with his voice as calm as he could.

"Finally, couldn't stand the waiting." Grumbled  Oghren  under his beard, his chug left untouched. All eyes were riveted on the elf, except Anders', still busy eating.

"About eight years ago... I decided, as the  Arl  of Amaranthine to offer shelter and protection to any mage seeking to avoid Templar Control." The elf said too quickly, biting his lower lip when he realised the anxiousness of his voice.

Fenris  dropped his spoon in the thick stew, his face pale and eyes burning. The  Tevinter  was about to speak when Merrill started chirping.

"You mean all the mages we helped are safe in Amaranthine ? This is wonderful !"

"Excuse me ?"  Fenris  barked in a strangled voice. As planned Nathaniel thought.

"Do you really need me to repeat or is this only a way to express you disaccord ?"  Scarleen  asked. No need to be salty, Nathaniel kept to himself.  Fenris  growled, throwing a side look at Anders.

"Anders didn't know. I thought he wouldn't agree to have the Wardens meddling in his business." Defended the Commander.

"Is that why we never heard of it ? You hid it from Anders ?" Asked Merrill slightly confused.

"Yes. The situation there is... complicated. We did not wish to attract the eye of the Templar order but the mages collective spread the message all too well. The Keep had to shelter more mages than I planned. And with the Circles fall it became even worse."

"You mean Amaranthine is crawling with mages." Hissed  Fenris  trying to fetch his spoon drowning in his stew. This can only end badly, thought the archer.

"To make it short, yes." replied the Commander. "Now they are scattered on the  arling  and not just in the Keep."

"So you didn't even tried to contain them. Wonderful." Growled the elf.

" Fenris , sweet thing, please calm down. We knew most the mages we freed left for Ferelden. And I am sure the commander had his reasons." Isabela tried to soothe the  Tevinter .

"Of course he has his reasons ! He's a mage ! It's only a matter of time before they try to make a new  Tevinter  !"  Fenris  roared slamming his hands on the table.

"Enough !" Intervened Nathaniel. "The Commander's intervention prevented a panic  mouvement  from the mage community ! None of them tried to turn on us, they are peaceful and help us greatly !"

"Yet ! How long before you find out you have been harbouring abominations and demons ?"

"And what should we have done ? We knew Anders and the Commander were from the Circle and they both agreed to say how awful it was ! When some Kirkwall refugees came to us we couldn't decently send them back !"  Sigrun  protested as  Oghren  nodded silently by her side. He didn't even tried to drink his ale since the beginning of their discussion, or since they were on the boat, he must be sober for the first time in decades.

"Your intentions may be noble but mages are dangerous !"

"They are people ! You would have seen them ! They were so skinny, they had broken bones and... else. They were scared of everything ! Some of them were crying for no reason all the day ! What should we have told them ? Sorry you were tortured for years and we're sending you back to your torturers ?" the little dwarf roared, almost climbing on the table to make herself bigger in front of the elf.

Fenris  opened his mouth to protest but was quickly silenced when the door opened.

"Commander." Said one of the sailors ignoring the glowing elf. "We will dock in a couple of hours, the captain suggested that you should pack up."  Scarleen  nodded silently and the sailor left.

"I think we are done here. I wanted to tell you about the situation in Amaranthine but if you wish to leave you still can. I will tell the captain to take you wherever you wish to go." The warden said as calmly as he could, but the air and his voice were heavy.  Sigrun  was giving a nasty side look at  Fenris , Nathaniel couldn't remember ever seeing her disliking someone,

 he didn't like the elf much too anyway.

Scarleen  got up and left, Anders followed, leaving behind his cleaned up bowl and Isabela jumped on the occasion to storm out. Nathaniel and  Sigrun  collected the empty plates to bring them back down in the kitchens. No one was talking or moving, Merrill was fiddling and biting her lower lip anxiously.

Fenris  finished his bowl and gave it to the archer before he left without a word, the  Tevinter  seemed to feel guilty. After all, one of his friends was one of the reasons why he should approve of the Commander's decision, but once again, his hatred had shown the worse of him.  Sigrun  was clearly not in a forgiving mood, spending years surrounded by mages made her overprotective. She left with Nathaniel for the kitchens in silence.

When Nathaniel went back on the deck, he could see the coast in the distance, it was good to get some fresh air alone. At least the pirate lady had finally left his side to hang around with the crew, keeping her hands busy, or trying to recruit them maybe.  

The archer noticed  Scarleen  looking at the horizon in silence, Anders was gone, probably waiting in his cabin. The elf looked paler, more tired. He probably wasn't expecting Anders' friends to react like they did. Or like  Fenris  did at least. No doubt his Commander was wondering if he truly was doing what was right.

Nathaniel remembered last time  Scarleen  got maudlin when he came back from  Antiva  and learnt about Anders' escape and drank himself to unconsciousness, he remembered him pacing restlessly in his room, mumbling mindlessly, asking again and again and again the same questions. 

Are you sure you didn't found his body ? Is there no way he could still be alive ? How did that happened ? Why nobody stopped  Rolan  from harassing Anders and the other mages ? How could  Garavel  recruit Templars and think it was a good idea ? Did he have anything to do with it ?

His thoughts got lost in the sea. He once hated deeply that elf he now called his closest friend. He knew the Warden-Commander didn't found any sleep lately, staying on the deck all night long. The rogue felt slightly guilty he didn't try to keep him company on the deck last night,  preferring the warmth of the cabin the Wardens shared.

When the Free Marchers Wardens asked about Anders in Kirkwall,  Scarleen  quickly covered it up. To prevent the Wardens from arresting Anders for desertion, maybe the mage was the reason why Nathaniel tried to find this bloody  Thaig  so eagerly. He couldn't help but feeling grateful for him to be still alive after all these years. Even if a part of him was still angry at the sodding bastard for never giving any news.

At least he could have sent a letter, just one, so  Scarleen  could have stopped blaming himself for years. Nathaniel sighed, he shouldn't dwell on it, he was starting to look like the elf, roaming restlessly around the problem and withdrawing more and more in his bubble in the process.

"Is everything alright, Nathaniel ?" asked the familiar deep voice by his side.  The archer didn't for how long his Commander has been standing here, the mage was always silent when he was walking.

"How about you ? Not hangover yet ?" the archer grinned trying to lighten the mood a little.

"I'm afraid I will end up throwing up like  Oghren  if I start drinking now." Replied the elf with a shrug.

"How do you feel, my friend ?" The archer asked with a slight smile.

"I don't know, I'm not sure about what to think. I start to wonder if I really did the right thing." the elf answered softly.

"You know it was the right thing, no one else could have done it. They needed our help and so far nothing went wrong." Said Nathaniel pressing his shoulder against the elf's.  Scarleen  sighed loudly.

"You were not talking about that weren't you ?" Asked the rogue as his friend looked away,  Scarleen  was avoiding eye contact and Nathaniel hated to see him that way. "Stop  blaming yourself, we got there as fast as we could, we couldn't save him from... this. But at least he is alive." Nathaniel tried, but even himself couldn't believe Anders' situation was a good thing.  Scarleen  huffed in spite, his sorrow turning slowly sour inside his eyes.

"Living, yes. But alive ? I'm not even sure. I would rather die a hundred time than let this happen to me. And Anders could get scared just talking or even thinking about it." spat  Scarleen  furiously.

"But is it true you have a way to make him come back ? Like he was before ?" Nathaniel asked  worringly . The elf's shoulders slumped down, clearly the Commander was not hopeful.

"Maybe. I may bring him back, but he may never be the same."

"What do you mean ?"

"You will see, but I would like you not to get your hopes up. It might not even work." Nathaniel watched him for a while. He knew the elf have been holding up to the hope that his help in the mages' rescue would sooner or later draw Anders back to him. But it failed.

"I suppose I'll have to stay to the Keep while you're gone." the archer breathed out, avoiding the Commander's eyes.

"I'm afraid yes. I need some of trust in the Keep to keep an eye on the situation while I'm gone." the elf admitted in a low voice. After Anders' runaway none of the two men wanted to leave the Keep for too long.

"And when will you come back ?" asked Nathaniel pinching the bridge of his nose angrily, upset about the idea of his Commander leaving Amaranthine alone in a moment were it most needed its  Arl . Of course he wanted to heal Anders, but now, more than ever,  Scarleen  should be there.

"In a few weeks if everything is alright. I'm sorry, I'm asking you a lot."  At least he's aware of it , Nathaniel thought for himself.

"I'm not the one most concerned one. I know why you're doing this and you have my support and the Wardens' whatever happens." The rogue declared facing his commander.  Scarleen  looked at his feet, unable to raise them on his second.

"I talked about it to Anders before we left the Free Marches. I thought he would..."  Scarleen  stopped talking for a moment and looked at the ocean, pain visible in his eyes. Despite all his efforts the elf never learned how to hide his emotions. "I had hoped Anders would..." the elf could push himself to end his sentence, Nathaniel knew perfectly how painful it was to the Commander to be unable to rejoice about the return of his mage- capitain .

"I know my friend. I will make sure the Keep still stands so you can still celebrate once you're back." Nathaniel finished for him in a friendly voice.

"Thank you. I only wished it happened differently."

"I know, my friend. At least try to sleep a little before. You look like a corpse."  Scarleen  nodded with a discreet smile before going back to his cabin. Probably trying to take a nap before their landing.

The sun was setting when they landed. The lands were bathed in golden light, like the melted metal was covering all the city. The streets were emptying themselves slowly, the noise of merchants and children switched with the songs of drunkards and the boots of the guards.  Oghren  was swearing and kissing the earth and no doubt that the broody elf was thinking about doing the same.

Scarleen  seemed better. Still anxious, but less tired. He asked  Fenris  again if he wanted to leave but the  Tevinter  refused, even if he didn't apologised either. Then they all moved toward the Warden's stables since  Scarleen  insisted they left for the Keep as soon as possible.

"I don't remember the Wardens of Ferelden owning stables." Anders said flatly as they were getting the horses ready.  Amaranthine's  Chargers, noble beasts. Nathaniel loved them.

"They actually are from the  Arl's  stables." Explained the archer petting a warm muzzle. "They simply were gifted to the wardens."

"But you are the  Arl  and the Warden-Commander. It does not seem reasonable to use the  Arl's  influence to serve the Wardens. You are taking a lot of risks." The healer said.

"And so far no one complained. Rather the opposite." Answered  Scarleen  pulling one of the horses' reins.

"People here don't mind being dominated by a mage ?"  Fenris  intervened, sitting on a haystack. The elf has been silent since they landed, he still seemed leery of them, but at least he didn't seem aggressive anymore.

"I am not dominating anyone. I will only use my magic during my Warden duty or if I have no other choice. I serve my people and not the other way around. I swore to protect them and I will."  Scarleen  explained patiently,  Fenris  was not the first one to ask and he will not be the last.

"And you would not ? Dominate someone if you could?"

"This is not  Tevinter ,   Fenris . I do not condone slavery nor blood magic. And trust me when I tell you I want these to end. We do not have the same history and do not seek the same things as the  magisters . You will understand that once you will see the Keep."

"Most the mages I have seen, including those I met in Kirkwall were seeking power. I fail to see how it would be different here."  Fenris  argued.

"Please sweet thing. I am tired to hear you argue with every mage you meet. Sometimes I wonder how Hawke could cope with you." Isabela complained. Stretching with an annoyed pout.

"It is no trouble, I assure you. I believe the mages of Kirkwall you met were a part of those I met myself. And you need to know that mages were all they were." Started  Scarleen , Nathaniel could see he was totally relaxed. The white haired elf was not aggressive like he was on the boat and the Commander did not feel threatened anymore.

"They were not humans or elves, they were not someone's son or daughter, they were nothing but mages. They had no right outside the Circle and nothing to lose. But as soon as they reached the Keep they were given the same status as a non-mage."

"They were not just mages. And the simple fact they could live as a non-mage equal was more than they hoped. I treat them like any other, just like I am not expecting to be treated differently because I am."

"I am not defined by the fact I am a mage and do not want to be, they do not either. They will get no special treatment because they are. Most of them work for the  Arling  or even do farm work. They are now inhabitants of Amaranthine like any the others."

"So they accept being... governed by a mage and living among them because you don't want to be a mage to them... that sounds... reasonable..." admitted  Fenris  toying with a twig. Nathaniel noticed how surprised the pirate lady seemed to be. Clearly it was the first time such discussion occurred without trouble.

"And they don't mind you being an elf either ?" Chirped Merrill, still busying herself petting the horses, ignoring most of the previous talk.

"The nobles often mix me up with the Commander." Mocked Nathaniel. "They can't accept the idea of an elf Noble. It can be as funny for us as it can be embarrassing for them when they realise they told the Hero of Ferelden to fetch them a drink while they tried to convince his second to stop recruiting elves."

"It may be funny to you,  Nate. But it is not so much to me." Pouted  Scarleen  saddling another mount.

"Sorry then." snorted the rogue with a mocking grin.

"Oi ! Once you're done chatting we could get to the Keep !"  Oghren  intervened, not giving a damn about all the fuss around mages like most dwarves.

"Aye  aye  ! We are almost done here."  Scarleen  answered with a bemused smile. Clearly   Oghren  did not like being sober for too long and his stock of alcohol was still in the Keep. The both of them quickly finished saddling the horses and they left the stables.

It was night already when they exited the city. They had to share their mounts,  Nathaniel had the curse to be stuck with the pirate lady and her obnoxious attitude, but maybe  Fenris  had it worse. Forced to ride with  Oghren  who couldn't stop making crude remarks about any female member of the crew and elbowing him in the ribs whenever he was happy with a joke.  Sigrun  and Merrill seemed happy to ride together. And  Scarleen  stayed silent with Anders in his back.

Nathaniel hoped the Commander truly had a solution for the mage. It was killing him to see him like that. He remembered Anders as playful, often sarcastic but never gloomy and lifeless like he was right now.

Nathaniel focused on the road. They still had a long ride before they could reach the Keep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you'll like this chapter, I'm already working on the next one (not as quickly as I'd want to, sadly) but I hope it will be published faster than the previous one, see you soon and feel free to leave me comments/kudos/reviews, see you soon :)


	6. The Warden's Grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group finally reach the Vigil's Keep and meet a familiar face

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few cameos in this chapter and a few more in the next to come, I hope you will like this chapter and thank you for reading :)

They spent the whole fucking night on a bloody horse. Beside Nathaniel and Isabela all of them were limping. Even the commander was, good for him, it made it easier to restrain his urge to throw his foot up his ass. The ride with  Oghren  sure made him want to kick some mage's ass.

The Keep was mostly asleep, only a few early birds, probably awakened by the Wardens' nightmare, were eating in silence in the main room and lazily greeted them when they saw the Commander.

Oghren  did not wait for the Commander's authorisation to snatch a chug of ale from one of the Warden's hands and drink it all down.

" Oghren , we should grab some food and eat somewhere else, we should not-"

The dwarf was not even listening, now literally eating in the other warden's plate who left grumbling something about drunk dwarves.

"Well, I suppose we all need a good breakfast." Admitted  Scarleen , sitting by the dwarf's side with a heavy sigh, he grabbed a piece of bread and an apple from the fruit basket on the table. Anders sat in front of the Commander, Nathaniel next to him,  and accepted the food he was offered.

The angry elf sat by the mage in front of  Oghren  and the dwarf raised an eyebrow. He was quite sure the broody one would avoid him after their ride, but  Fenris  just scowled at him and ate whatever he could shove down his throat.

They all tried to keep quiet, to make sure they would not disturb the peace of this morning.  The room filled itself slowly, with a lot of robes, dragging their feet and dishevelled hair across the place. Some sat by the Wardens' sides far from them, and a few greeted the Commander silently by waving at the crew.

Fenris  grew tense, giving side looks here and there. He hasn't been in the same room with so many mages since  Tevinter , and he really didn't want to remember  Tevinter .

"Calm down, kid. They are not going to eat you." Mocked the dwarf pushing a cup of ale in front of him and the elf drank it with no complaints. The ale was better than the one at the Hanged Man, but it's not really difficult to do better than the Hanged Man's ale.

"I have... bad memories about mages." He said quietly, glancing around. There was now at least a dozen of mages eating and chatting quietly.

"We all noticed, kid. Those ones are nice. But if they annoy you tell me and I will introduce their arses to my foot."  Fenris  huffed something that looked like a laughter and gave him a friendly nod.

Fenris  could recognise a few faces, not just mages, but also people they met in Kirkwall. He could recognise the pitiful sleepy face of  Émile DuLancet  (how was he still alive ? And how did he even get there ?), Mistress Selby sat by another familiar mage from the Gallows, and a few others, mages or not, they met during their time in the City of Chains.

A pair of eyes met his. He knew he already met this person too. She was wearing a bland linen shirt, tight leather pants held up by a large belt decorated with a Grey Warden silver emblem, her black hair seemed longer, now messily falling past her shoulders, he remembered her as a terrified girl trembling in the sewers kneeling at some Templar's feet, she was now a grown up woman. No robes, but  Fenris  could feel magic tingling on his skin as she came closer, a bright smile on her lips.

"I remember you ! You are the Champion's friends ! You saved me from  Ser Alrik  !" She chirped happily. "Do you remember me ? I'm Ella."

Yes, Ella, that was the name. Anders nearly killed the girl when they rescued her from the Circle. 

"I do remember you. Hawke told you to leave Kirkwall."  Fenris  said, calmly, hoping she wouldn't notice-

"And you are Anders, I learnt about you and the Mage Underground after my escape ! I can't thank you enough for what you have done for me !" She said, taking the healer's hands in hers before anyone could say a thing and her face froze when she met the healer's eyes.

"Oh no..."  Fenris  got up and caught her swiftly before her legs gave up.

"Ella, I need you to remain calm, please. Sit with us." Asked  Scarleen  once again his voice was heavy with anxiousness. Many mages here were still fragile and knew Anders. Like Ella who slumped on the bench next to  Fenris .

"The last thing I called him was 'demon'..." she whispered, her head held up by her two hands, ignoring the mage's glassy eyes staring at her.

"It is alright. I do was possessed, you were right calling me demon. I hold no grudge."  Fenris  instinctively wrapped his arms around the girl as she started sobbing, hoping no one would notice them.

"Ella, please calm down, we should not draw attention."  Scarleen  repeated, his voice was steady, almost hypnotic, he really was used to handle that kind of situation. Were the mages really that scarred from their lives in the Kirkwall's Circle ?

"He saved me and I called him 'demon'..." she kept whispering, tears streaming silently down her face.  Fenris  looked around hastily, Ella wasn't noisy enough to attract attention, holding back her pained whimpers as much as she could.

"Listen, eat something and come to see us in my quarters later, understood ?"  Scarleen  said calmly as Ella finally managed to get a hold of herself.

She nodded weakly and shoved some bread in mouth,  Fenris  was quite sure he heard a muffled sob as she did so. The elf pitied her a little, the last thing he called Anders before they made him tranquil was 'abomination'. He never expected to regret it so much.

They quickly finished their breakfast and left in silence, leaving Ella alone at their table.  Sigrun  tried to leave the group when they left the main hall but Merrill caught her up.

"Where are you going,  Sigrun  ? You're not following us ?" Called Merrill worryingly.

"Uh... no I... I will come back later. I have something to fetch before I come, don't worry about me." She said before she rushed through the hallways, leaving them behind.

Scarleen  took them upstairs without a word despite the few questions Merrill tried to ask about  Sigrun , brushing them off with a shrug. They only met a couple of Wardens on the way, none of them seemed surprised to see the Commander walking around with complete strangers. Probably because the Commander would often bring new faces from his travels, mostly mages.

Scarleen  opened a door and let them in. The room smelled like fine parchment, a slight hint of alcohol and hearty furs, it was not too big, nor too small, but clearly not something  Fenris  would have expected from a Commander or even a mage. The room was cut in half by heavy blue curtains, hiding a bed and some other pieces of furniture, a simple nightstand, a few bookshelves, a wardrobe,  a small liquor cabinet,  and a sober vanity. It was probably where the Commander was sleeping, it was rather simple, maybe with a hint of warmth that seemed unexpected from the  Fereldan  elf. Like a lingering smell of leather and precious silk, mixed up with the sparks of magic. 

The other side was just an office, with a dark desk, clearly prettier than the rest of the room, more bookshelves but filled with older books, it reminded  Fenris  of the library of  Danarius  but it did not have this oppressing feeling that followed every step of his former master nor the tingle of blood magic binding the ancient scrolls. Instead a warm ray of morning light was welcoming them, along with the Grey Warden drapery on the walls.  Scarleen  sat at his desk calmly and pointed at the couch in front of him for them to do the same.

Nate leaned against the desk, facing them, filling his duties as a faithful second while they all took place and  Oghren  rushed toward the liquor cabinet to get the drinks. Merrill refused hers politely but  Fenris  took his gratefully and sipped a mouthful of it, burning his throat in the process, but the numbness that followed was welcomed.

Once they were all sitting down with a glass of alcohol,  Anders started talking.

"Ella is a Grey Warden. I can feel her taint." He said with a dead voice.  Scarleen  flinched slightly at the remark.

"Yes she is. She came to Amaranthine and asked to join our ranks." Replied Nathaniel instead of the Commander. "It was the best way to keep the Templars away from her."

"I did not feel the Taint within most of the other mages here." Said Anders, his eyes shining with a faint blue light.

"Because I tried not to recruit the ones looking for shelter unless the choice was theirs. I do not wish to abuse of their situation only to recruit more Wardens."  Scarleen  explained. The blue light disappeared from the Healer's eyes.  Fenris  almost regretted the Spirit in Anders' head did not manifest.

"Does it matter that the girl is a Grey Warden ? What I want to know is if you can bring Anders back." Intervened Isabela, ignoring the fine drink she was given. She was clearly not at ease since they left the boat. Maybe because she could not ignore their friend's condition now she had nothing to busy herself with.

Also,  Scarleen  was not Hawke, he didn't have her charisma, nor her carelessness or spontaneity. He was too good at restraining his emotions. Isabela didn't like that. His calm. She liked Wind and Storms. And  Scarleen  was not that. He always seemed to be in control. Even when things went badly.

"I may have a way but I cannot grant its results. Anders is ... a particular case I'm afraid."

"You mean Justice, right ? It is always about him isn't it ? What about him then ? Is he going to make things worse as usual ?" She growled giving a bad look at Anders,  Fenris  was almost sure a thin line of light cracking the mage's skin.

"Maybe Justice will help, maybe not. I cannot know for sure."

"There is no need to do all of this." Interrupted Anders coldly. "I am perfectly content at the moment."

"Shush you ! We are not leaving you like that !" Hissed Isabela. "And if your Commander can't get you out of it..." the pirate bit her lower lip furiously. She was on the edge, seeing Anders facing what scared him the most to save her skin has been too much. She couldn't handle it anymore. And the Commander's apparent indifference infuriated her. 

She got up and tossed her glass on the wall right when the door opened, revealing a shocked Ella in the entrance. She was wearing her full Warden uniform and her hair were now tied behind her head, a few rebel locks escaping from her ponytail to fall on her forehead.

"I-I-I...I will come back later."she stuttered weakly, turning away quickly.

"Come in, Ella, please. There is a few things I need you to do." Intervened  Scarleen . Ella nodded and entered shyly, shutting the door carefully as she stepped in before she came closer to the desk, giving discreet side glances at Anders. The smell of whiskey had filled the room, making the air even heavier, especially now that Isabela was pacing behind them and muttering restlessly.

"What do you need me for ?" Asked the young woman nervously, doing her best to ignore the pirate swearing under her breath and the few blue cracks on Anders' skin.

"I need you to fetch Aisha and the Hawkes. Try to be discreet, I don't want the others to know about Anders' condition. I think you can guess why. Tell them we will be leaving and I need to talk about the next mission. If anyone asks tell them we are heading to the Deep Roads." Explained  Scarleen .

"Am I coming too ?" Ella asked, a smile on her face which disappeared quickly when the Commander shook his head negatively.

"I will need you to stay with Nathaniel here. I wish I could take you but I need as many people as possible to stay here. I will write Nathaniel, you can ask him if you need an update."

"With the incident at the Conclave the situation here is unstable, we need to keep our heads down until things get better. You became a real asset to our team, and many Kirkwall mages listen to you. If things turn sour your presence here will be much needed." Added Nathaniel from the desk. Ella nodded obediently and faced the Commander, she now truly looked like a Grey Warden.

"Is there anything else you need me for ?"

"No, you can leave, dismissed." Ordered  Scarleen  with a nearly imperceptible smile. Ella saluted like a Warden and left the room, now more confident. Isabela had stopped pacing. Both her hands clenched to the back of the couch, her burning stare riveted on the elf behind his desk.

"You've changed. Since the Blight. I don't like what you have become." The pirate growled.  Fenris  felt a shiver running down his spine, Isabela's voice was now as cold and cutting than her blades.

"Watch it, you ! You know nothing about the Commander, you have no right to criticise !" Growled  Oghren  slamming the empty bottle he has been holding to on the desk.

"It's alright,  Oghren . And what have I become, Isabela ?"  Scarleen  asked, his voice not aggressive for the slightest, it was almost soft as Isabela stood and walked towards the desk in front of which she stood. Nathaniel got up from the corner he was sitting on, ready to push the pirate away if she went too far.

"I remembered you enthusiastic, lost but trying, caring and always your interlocutor's equal." She started her voice slightly affectionate as she remembered that meeting at the Pearl. "Now you're just so dull, you behave like one of those disgusting nobles, giving orders around, you barely spoke to Anders since you rescued us, how can you be so indifferent ?"

"And how can I be enthusiastic when one of my friend has been broken in tiny pieces, reduced to an obedient puppet ? How can I allow myself to get lost when his life and so many others weights on my shoulders ? And why do you accuse me of not talking to Anders when you are the one who barely even made eye contact with him once since we rescued you ?"  Scarleen  said, his voice becoming more hoarse every time a word escaped his mouth, tears pooling in his eyes. Isabela twitched like she has been slapped, but didn't defend herself, it wasn't like it seemed, there was the camp, she was just shocked and angry, later she was just helping the crew on the boat, then there was the ride, she was just busy, she was not avoiding that creepy dead stare the mage was always giving now.

"Anders is still my friend and I have seen too many of them die or lose themselves to abandon him. He is the reason you are all here. Because I do care, because I do worry, because I do am lost, and because I am afraid I won't be strong enough to do it all alone."  Oghren  silently pushed another drink in the Commander's joined hands. The elf chugged it and coughed harshly, the burn of the alcohol was all it took to make his tears stream down his face. Nathaniel decided it was enough and both him and  Oghren  intervened to make Isabela step back.

"Back off, you !" growled the dwarf, his beard seemed puffier, his face redder,  Fenris  felt thankful he didn't have his axe at hand reach.

"Now is not the time for a fight, my lady. We have better things to do than make petty hassles about who is the most affected." argued the archer with an empathic voice,  Fenris  got up too and put his clawed hand on Isabela's shoulder.

"He is right, Anders needs our help not to see us yell at each other."

"You're all speaking like he's not here...you're all speaking like he's dead !" she roared furiously before she violently pushed the  Tevinter  back on the couch and stormed out of the office. There was no point running after her.  Fenris  grabbed Merrill's arm before the  Dalish  could go after her.

"Leave her. She needs time. She's mourning."

"But no one is dead." protested Merrill pulling her arm out of the loose grip of the  lyrium -laced elf.

"We don't know for sure, Merrill. This is why it is so hard."  Fenris  whispered looking at Anders, the mage still had glowing cracks on his skin like that times when Justice took over him, but a straight back and an inexpressive face like any Tranquil they met in the past.  Fenris  truly missed the booming voice that usually went with the light, wondering if the Spirit himself was mourning his host. The Wardens remained silent and  Oghren  pushed a filled drink in the  Dalish's  hands.

"Let it go, kid. She will come back once she'll be better." grumbled the dwarf patting her frail back softly. "You all look like you need some time. And a drink." Merrill looked at her glass and the amber liquor inside, and chugged it like it was water. They were all mourning Anders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I hope I didn't make you wait for too long, thank you for your patience. I hope you will like this new chapter and once again, if I made any mistake or if you have any comment about this series feel free to send me a review, I really wish to improve myself and the quality of the content I'm offering :)

**Author's Note:**

> There it goes for the prologue  
> I will publish updates and answer questions and comments and if you want to follow me I have a Tumblr : scarleensurana.tumblr.com :)


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